How Do You Solve a DM’s Problem Like Areia?

Some players drive you crazy, some simply stab everything. Here’s an Ode to our one and only rogue, played by the indispensable Hanah.

VERSE 1

 

She attacks a CR3, and only scrapes her knee

Her armor has gotten itself a tiny tear (boo)

She waltzes on her way to battle

And whistles without care.

And underneath her wimple

She keeps a dagger in her hair

I even heard her singing while she’s stabbing!

She’s always first for killing

But her penitence is real (Molly!)

She’s always first for treasure

Except when it’s not included in the deal.

I hate to have to say it

But I very firmly feel

Areia’s not afraid of any baddies!

I’d like to say a word in her behalf

Areia makes me laugh

How do you solve a problem like Ariea?!

How do you catch a pixie and pin it down?

How do you find a way to kill  Areia?

An ancient blue dragon! A will-o’-the wisp?! A clown?!

Many a cursed item  you’d like to gift her

Many a roll she ought to never save

But how do you make her fail

And stop drinking up all the ale?

How do you take her daggers from her dead hand?

Oh, how do you solve a DM’s problem like Areia?

How do you hold a dead rogue in your golem’s hand?

 

 

VERSE 2

 

When she moves we’re all confused

But she is still bemused

About to die but then she rolls another crit.

Unpredictable as weather

She’s as flighty as a feather

She jumps on the dragon! She stabs the demon! Shit!

She’d outpester any pest

Drive a wyvern from its nest

She could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl

She’s dexterous! She is wild!

She’s got spells now! She’s a child!

She’s a headache! She’s a thief!

She’s a girl!

How do you solve a problem like Areia?

How do you catch a rogue when it’s in town?

How do you find a way to waylay Areia?

A collection of brigands! A will-o’-the wisp! The clown!!!

Many a thing you know you’d like to tell her

Many a thing she ought to understand

Oh, perhaps a Beholder’s ray!

One of these glorious days

We’ll find her old bones buried in the sand!!!

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Areia?

How do you hold a dead rogue in your hand?

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