A Ruthless Frontier 7.5 The NSFW Back Story, “Poo Doo’s Secret Desire”

“No!” raged the little thing.  “No!!!! Not again.  Bethelda!!!! Bethelda darling, I was there! I was nearly there!!!!!”

The sad, and desperate heaving sobs of a small, unhappy PooDoo rang out in the rock and stone and dead space of the tomb.  He wailed on and on and moaned in agony until all that was left was his rasped breathing.

“I want to kill him,” grumbled Ares.

“Kill me?  Kill me!?  How can you kill me, without hearing my backstory?” asked the little hairy man with the frumpy ears and sagging jowls. His eyes were watering as if he didn’t understand at all how anyone could be so cruel. Back to his usual size, he was now in his squeaky voice once more. It was dark, but the rest of him soon came into view. In the light of Ares’ torch he appeared fully now, first his whiskers and then the little roundish ears that sat atop his head. He stood as tall as his obese body would allow, but that was no more now than half past their calves.

“Oh dear lord, it’s still here. I thought shrinking it might do away with it.”

“Don’t you wish to know my story?”

“No,” the three of them answered simultaneously.

“My hopes? My ambitions? My favorite desserts?”

“No, Blast you!” roared Ares, a puff of fire escaped his lips, scorching the little sprite’s hair on his chest.  Some of Poo Doo’s chest mat singed off, but while they watched, a thicker one grew, as quickly as it had burned. This was even darker, and furrier. Gerrell gave a slight look of disgust. Theros seemed about to retch.

The pixie stroked it. “As good as new.”

The others looked away. Theros tried to retch but their water was running low, and he had nothing to vomit, nevertheless his dry heaves drew Poo Doo to the spot he was bent over.

“Biscuits, mixed with salt pork and a dab of onion weed,” grunted Poo Doo after sniffing over the area and as close to the ranger’s mouth as he dared.  Then, he continued. Horrified, the others were forced to listen, unable to stop, kill or silence the foul beast.   After describing Theros’ last meal in alarmingly perfect detail, he went on with his story.   “It all began when I was a strapping lad of 97, I barely had hair on the back of my knees!”

“Delightful,” grunted Ares.

Again Poo Doo continued without so much as a notice. “I was there in the forest, in the mud pool, when I saw her.”

“Saw who?”

“Mud pool?”

“Why were you in a mud pool?” asked Gerrell in his own high pitched gnomish voice, but then he suddenly regretted asking. “Wait! No, nevermind!”

But it was too late.

“Her!” sighed the little hairy creature, continuing his story, un-phased. He spoke dreamily, as if to himself.  As he did so his hands moved far too awkwardly and far too closely to his body. “She must have come to the pool that day because of the heat of the forest.  For it was balmy and the tree leaves curled in the oppressive heat.  I alone seemed to have had the pool to myself, the cool mud lying thick on my body, my hair…”

“Oh bless us all….he won’t stop!”

“…and while the wind ruffled through the…hey, are any of you a bard?”

“No!” Spat Ares in a voice meant to mimic, “None of us are a bard.”

“Well, a bit of lyre music would make the telling more inspirational,” said Poo Doo.

“I highly doubt that,” sighed Theros. “Say, little hairy…I mean little guy, what you say you go explore the tomb here?  We’re planning on taking a bit of a nap. Catch some shut eye. You’ve clearly got plenty of energy. Go have fun!”  He tried to say the word fun in a drawn out way, as if it were what everyone would want to do.

“Oh I couldn’t do that to you, after all you’ve freed me from my terrible imprisonment.  A fellow with all this shouldn’t be…” went on the little man, who was now sitting cross-legged in front of them in a way that was far more revealing than any of them would have liked. Here his dialogue may as well end, for no one in that moment recalled what he said, and even if they could, they in no way would admit it. “I haven’t gotten to the best part.  You see, there she was.  My full size goddess.  My waking dream.  And I had never seen such big…”

Fortunately for you all, the DM will not continue this story until later.  But it was that day, deep inside the Kasillian Treasure Vault, where we first learned about what drove our friend Poo Doo.  How he longed to find his woman once more, to be a full sized pixie, with a full sized woman.  Cursed to be a healer of curses, doomed to wander the realm, unable to achieve his heart’s desire.

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